11/23/2010: The Little Hovel of Hell, Edition 1

Sleep. Sleep, how I miss thee. It seems that you continue to find elaborate methods to purposefully not grace me with your presence. Ah well. I'll just have to write another column here at my blog. Hello, once again, readers. I suppose it time to impart more knowledge to you. In all seriousness, may this troll thoroughly assure you that the last place in which you would like to visit regarding our lovely home that is Laurelin, is the official server forums. Now, little one, you may be sitting there at your desk asking why this is! From the moment you pressed that enormous 'ENTER MIDDLE EARTH' button on the character selection screen, you just knew there would be lovely, helpful players to aid you in your travels across Middle Earth. And, in turn, they'd love to hear of your ideas.

WRONG.

The server and the forums are too different venues. One is like, oh let's say, 'the greener grass on the other side of the fence', while the other side is sizzling PIT OF BURNING, WRETCHED HELL. You do not want to submit your ideas, your opinions, your plots, your stories, your biographies or *anything* on the main server forums. Luckily enough, there's a link to other green pastures where you will not be judged and humiliated publically.

The Laurelin Archives

Now, you must be thinking 'but Master Troll! How can I believe a word of which you say?' Why, I have proof! Yes! Proof indeed! Behold, for in the link below I shall bestow upon you a most hideous fiend.

Radhruin

This single man is the bane of your forum experience. The very photo above is not enough to describe just how nerdy he is. Radhruin, no not the servant of Bahrir's house- I mean, no! No! He's in my head. The lore! The lore, it is consuming me! NO! Oh wait, no, that was just indigestion. If there were ever a man who kissed Tolkien's wrinkled butt hole, it's this poop stain on the professor's underwear. In fact, I believe Tolkien even dubbed his three butt plugs after the name's of his holy disciples; Mae, Beleg, and Radhruin. (Mae's the smallest 'cuz she technically was a lore-breaker at one point. Silly lesbians.)

This nit-picky little bastard is, in fact, a troll himself. He preys upon the misinformed. The inaccurate. The incorrect. Compulsively, he will jab at your plots and ideas and characters until he formulates a whirlpool of lore debate that will inevitably suck your thread into a black hole, where it will pass into his realm and be devoured whole by his gaping pustular acne, forever to be lost in a sea of yellowish gunk and acidic residue. Whew... needed a breather there.

It has come to be known that this troll will always plague the Laurelin forums, never to relinquish his firm grip upon all that is Tolkien. It is a sad existence, coddling one's education in such a manner, groveling at a dead man's grave due to the lack of any creativity himself. Never will he participate in the community, never will he learn. Never will he move out of his mum's basement, 'cuz that's where his lab will always reside... where he will try and try with all of his might to find the correct DNA signature formerly known to rest upon the floppy schlong of the author himself...

...in hopes of becoming as brilliant as he. Tragic. Too tragic.